Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The great thing about a redneck divorce is that you can still be cousins afterwards.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

You know you’re a bad driver when your GPS says “In 400 feet, stop and let me out.”

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I’m a mile away and I have his shoes.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought “Dogs are easily amused”, then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.

I was at the bank the other day, and an elderly woman asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Vegetarian — Ancient Indian word for inept, clumsy hunter.

“I just love animals.” “They taste GREAT!”

“What is the definition of a workaholic?” “A person who doesn’t hunt.”