I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

Q: What do you call a french guy in sandals?

A: Phillipe Phloppe.

The good, the bad and the ugly…

Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He’s a lawyer.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give ‘the birds and the bees’ talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”